The Lack of Competent Communication: It’s Hurting Your Career

Good communication is lacking today. We see its absence everywhere – in the conflict of war and aggression, in misguided boardroom decisions, in projects that have to be re-engineered, and in our who’s-going-to-do-what conversations at home. You’ve felt it yourself – that sting of being alienated by people unwilling to listen.

Being shut out of conversations and decisions, not being heard, and not being understood – these things bite whether this action is done on purpose or through neglect or oversight. It’s painfully true that people want more than anything else to be heard and to be understood.

In his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey says that most of us are preoccupied with being "understood" when we should be seeking to "understand". Just changing this one aspect of our behavior would create worlds of improvement both at work and in our personal relationships.

This is a story about Rob*. When we first got together he was very skeptical of the entire coaching process. His wife, even more so. She couldn’t understand why he just didn’t talk to her about the pressures he was struggling with at work.

From his perspective his wife didn’t understand either the business environment nor the types of issues he was facing. To muddy the waters further, even a few senior managers at work believed that getting the assistance of a coach showed weakness.

He knew he needed assistance. As a conscientious hard worker he was continually asked to do more and more with less and less support. It was just the nature of the beast. When he finally came to me, he could only see two options – leave or get support. He chose to get support.

We started by hearing his concerns and sorting through the issues. Developing better communications skills was one of them. After three sessions he was given homework. Some results showed immediately. Then Rob was assigned the homework of going out for coffee with his wife once a week – and here he was charged with practicing his listening and probing skills.

The bottom line was that after only a few short sessions he was thrilled with his progress at work. Quitting wasn’t an option any longer. The added bonus he tells me is that his wife now believes that his coaching was the best thing that ever happened to the marriage. A very happy ending for a really great guy.

Contrary to popular belief, the speaker doesn’t control the communication, the listener does. Without a listener there is no communication!

How well we listen is a reflection of the level of our communication skills. The problem is that most people seriously over-rate their listening abilities. Most people say they listen well, when communication specialists would say they’re really mediocre – too busy thinking of how to solve the problem or thinking about what they’re going to say instead of listening to what’s being said.

One reason we all want to jump in and solve the problem instead of listening is that we’re all time-stressed. We’ve got one hundred-and-one different tasks to accomplish. So we try to jump in and bypass some steps in order to get to a resolution faster. Solving the problem feels good – especially when it’s done fast!

Experience shows us though that problem-solving without listening is almost always ineffective. It might solve A problem – but it usually doesn’t solve the RIGHT problem.

Listening to understand is actually more effective because it gets to the real issues – not just surface distractions. It also shows your employees (and family and friends) that you really care about them. Because you show you respect them, they’re more willing to help you get what you want. Effective listening builds trust.

Besides taking time, it also takes energy to listen. Listening involves patience, openness and a strong desire to understand. It’s about asking the question behind the question. It’s about trying to see the situation from the other's perspective.

Although problem solving, reinterpreting stories, and being present are all appropriate at certain times, they’re not appropriate unless you’ve first taken the time to understand.

Kerry* is a long time business client who continues to get together with me monthly. She runs a medium sized product development company that’s been doing extremely well over the past several years. At one time she and her husband ran the company together until his unexpected death five years ago.

After five years of being the sole manager, Kerry was finding the entire management process a little too much. She was getting anxious to start letting go of the reins and to bring in others to help her out.

At a business function she ran into an old colleague. As they talked she impulsively shared her plans about semi-retirement. The first thing she knew they having a conversation about how he might be an asset to Kerry’s firm. She shared her excitement with me about this potential new employee and possible new partner.

However, as I questioned her more, it became evident to both of us that Kerry really knew very little about this fellow – his goals, his skills, his work habits, or even his work history for that matter.

We determined that at her next meeting she would “listen to learn”. Kerry prepared thoroughly and asked a number of probing questions. The entire process was revealing, to say the least. After really listening, she knew this was not someone she wanted join forces with. Listening to learn gave her clarity on what she wanted and what she didn’t want. Listening made it apparent that she didn’t want him.

We then went on to create some criteria for her idea candidate. Today, Kerry continues to work on the business rather than in the business. She’s found two people who are working out well. They give her the support she was looking for.

Listening effectively doesn’t just work at work. To relate effectively with a partner, children, friends or work associates, we must learn to listen. This not only requires emotional strength, it also involves us choosing to become more effective listeners.

When relationships breakdown, in a marriage for example, spouses are usually unwilling to really hear, to acknowledge what is true for the other person, and to put themselves in their partner's shoes! The longer this goes on the more damage that occurs. Successful marriages, like successful leaders or successful managers, have one thing in common – they are in relationships where others feel heard, where others feel that their needs are taken into consideration.

Listening is Only Part of the Equation

While listening skills are vitally important to effectively leading your employees, they are only part of the masterful management equation.

A coach can help you develop your competence in communication, listening skills, presenting your ideas, and understanding others. What you say and how you respond can be greatly enhanced by working with a coach.

Learn how to better overcome your career challenges and avoid the biggest mistakes of leadership.

Discover how what you don’t know is causing you to slip down the ladder instead of climbing to break through that glass ceiling.

* Names have been changed to protect personal information.